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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Well You Got To Have...

...Faith. God has been on my mind a whole lot lately. There are so many things going on in my life that I have turned to Him for guidance. Some days I feel like He is listening, other days I feel my prayers are falling on deaf ears. My mom always told me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and He is always there to pick us up when we fall...then why do I feel like I have fallen and no one has picked me up yet? I know that not all prayers are answered, I get that, but sometimes it seems like NONE of mine are and that's hard on the Faith! Believe me, I have more faith than most mothers of 3, but I sometimes have a hard time BELIEVING. Is that wrong? There are times I wonder what it would be like to be Jewish, Hindu, Mormon, a Buddhist...just something other than Christian. I wonder if the prayers are the same even though the God is different. I wonder if believing in another God would get more of my prayers answered. I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way if I have a strong FAITH in my creator, but I do. I believe there is a higher being, but I am not sure that I am praying to the right one. How can I find my way? I feel lost. It puts a big hole in a part of my life I thought was filled. I need to step back and take a look at my history with God and Jesus and whomever else I prayed TO as a Catholic child. My beliefs are...well, I think they are confused. I'm not sure what to do. My strong faith in a higher being is really messing with me. I don't like feeling this emptiness when I should feel FULL. Something is missing...something is WRONG...something just isn't me.

I have NO motivation or reasoning behind how I am feeling. I just woke up feeling like this...or maybe going to this new church and new denomination 2yrs ago just wasn't what I needed. I have no motivation to complete certain things in my life that are concrete like going back to my seasonal job, finishing school, getting my business going, teaching those angels at church. I know I CAN do it all, I just don't WANT to. Where did it all go? That motivation to DO, HONOR, SERVE??

I love every aspect of my life EXCEPT this awful feeling of emptiness. I need somewhere to turn...any suggestions?