Friends...

Have you ever wondered if you were good enough to be someone's friend? Have you ever wondered why you put so much time into your friends just to get nothing in return? Have you ever taken a step back to look at your "list" of friends and wonder if your life would even sputter if certain people weren't in it? I have. Many times. I am doing it now. There are people friends in my life that I think I could just never talk to ever again and they either wouldn't care or wouldn't notice! How sad is THAT? I put forth the effort and get NOTHING, why should I? I am SICK of always "being there" yet when I am in need of someone to be there for me, everyone disappears! I must bitch WAY too much! Imagine that. Me, bitching too much!

I have a friend that I have known for almost 4 years now. I USED to tell this friend EVERYTHING about my life and she did the same. We talked and texted daily and if someone wanted to know where one of us was, they asked one of us because we always knew. I was there for her through some pretty rough times including her decision to have an abortion and a really horrible breakup with her boyfriend that landed ME on the phone for days on end, hours at a time, listening to her cry, bitch, get mad and then get drunk. She moved before all that and since then has visited a few times. During her visits she usually gets wasted and talks shit, hits on my husband (he loves it, no harm, no foul), becomes beligerant to the both of us and the next day acts like nothing happened. She NEVER remembers being a jerk just that SHE visited. That's fine, I get over it and we continue on with our relationship as always.

So, I haven't talked to her in a few months. She is usually the first one I call when I have a problem or if I need to cry but this time, when I found out about my heart problems, I didn't call her. I called Mrs Paruser because she has pretty much taken the place of the friend that moved away. Instead, I messaged her and asked if she could call me when she had a free hour and she said she would, today, Friday, in the afternoon after she got out of class. Well here it is, 10:15pm and the beloved friend has not called. Has not texted to even say "sorry, I lost track of time". Has not even messaged me to apologize and I GUARENTEE she won't. She probably forgot and will remember in a few days and will finally message me and say she will call when she gets a free minute. Well what the hell about all the free minutes I didn't really have when she had boyfriend troubles? And when she got done with her procedure? How about whenever we talk the conversation always ends up going to her. It is like she always has it worse than me and really, I would give anything to have her life at her age.

So I guess I am just tired of being put on the back burner all the damn time and that is why I have written off so many people friends in my lifetime. If I'm not put on the back burner, I am being back stabbed. Either way, I guess it is time for me to "watch my back" and start making another "hit" list.

TTFN,

What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

Lately, the tears come freely. I can pretty much turn them on at will. Sometimes they even come without notice. I’m not quite sure WHY this is happening, but most of the time it is pretty fucking friggin’ annoying. (Still on the curse word diet.) Maybe it is because Balla leaves soon on a 7 month journey to that ugly place they call the Middle East? I mean I seem to turn on the waterworks as soon as he walks out the door for a week underway period so it’s possible! Maybe it is because my children seem to be demanding constant entertainment this summer. More so than last year? So much so that I feel like I am constantly on the go during the day and when I finally stop, it’s dinner time, and I have forgotten to take something out of the freezer so we end up at some dumb restaurant which only makes the day even worse. But then maybe it is just stress because my brain is full and I never get enough sleep so I feel like shit crap all the time and the kids do nothing but whine and bitch complain and it seems like being at home just sucks without Balla and I know I am going to have to do it without him for 7 FRIGGIN’ MONTHS! AHHHHHHHHH! (BTW, I really am doing well on my diet...when I'm not so upset! I just use babies! Thanks Squirt!)


Yeah, see, I need therapy. But at least I can admit it. Isn’t that one of the 12 steps? Wait, I’m not trying to recover from anything except this perpetual hangover. Bleh. I don’t feel depressed, just extremely stressed out and anxious and it sucks. I need a break…alone…or with some highly intoxicated friends and a karaoke mic! Who’s coming with me and, well, where are we going?